A family journey of self discovery

Today I’m in a state of ‘nesting.’  This is typical of women about to give birth as they ready their homes for something and someone new.  That is exactly what I’m doing today.  Cleaning the house, doing laundry and preparing for something new.

Tonight my husband leaves for a personal/business trip to Kentucky.  Tomorrow I leave for Ottawa and tomorrow evening my daughter has chosen to spend close to two weeks with my sister.  All of us heading off in different directions on a journey of self discovery.  What we all discover about ourselves in the process, who knows?  I trust that however life unfolds it will bring enlightenment and magnificence with it.

Last weekend my daughter and I went away and stayed in cottage.  Friday night was quite relaxing.  On Saturday I created the space for my daughter to have a coaching session with a friend of mine.  Half way through the session, my daughter requested that I join them.  What came out of her mouth kind of shocked me and yet it didn’t.  Honest, Open, Clear and Direct and…ouch!

She has been going head to head with her father for quite some time now and feels that there is no meaning to have him in her life.  What does that mean exactly, I’m not sure.  So what she asked me to do in so many words was to choose either my husband or her to have in ‘my’ life.  The choice was clearly mine.

I pondered the question for a moment, not because I didn’t know the answer rather I needed the time to check in with my body to see if any sensory cues were going off.  I took a deep breath before I answered.  “I don’t feel the need to choose either of you.  I choose both of you.  I love my husband very much and I’m not going to divorce him because you go head to head.”  She paused for a moment and we chatted and then she discovered her own need to be alone with my decision.

I do understand where she is coming from.  I also know that in that moment when she asked me the question (or stated what she’d like), in a breath my life changed.  I don’t think I fully realized just how much I love my husband.  I love them both and why should I choose one over the other?

Sunday when we came back from our weekend away, I walked around the back of our property and pondered who I am in the world and what is it exactly that I hold as meaningful to me.  I have been pondering the thought for a couple of days and yesterday there was a huge shift and today everything is different.

Yesterday morning I walked around the house crying off and on.  My body was in chaos and confusion.  I didn’t know how I was going to approach what had taken place on the weekend and I certainly had no idea of what my life was going to look like or how things were going to unfold.

My daughter ended up staying home from school yesterday.  At first I was annoyed and frustrated and then I got to a point where I really didn’t care whether or not ’she felt’ the need to stay home.   I was very clear about what I needed though.  I needed to create space for myself to consider the past few days.  So off I went to my office and found the space that I so needed.  Today I understand that she too needed a quiet day to consider things for herself.  I was also clear that while I was at the office that I would not be available.  She understood.  On any other day that she would be home and I’d be at the office, she would have called me at least a dozen times by noon – yesterday, that didn’t happened.

I considered what I could do for her to have the space that she needed to consider what her life is like within our family and what (if anything) does her father mean to her in her life?

At the age of twelve, there’s a lot going on in her life.  Sometimes I think that as adults we forget how ‘trying’ high school can be especially grade seven when so many changes are going on.  I’ve since spoken with my sister who lives close by and asked if she would consider having Meagan stay with her for close to a couple of weeks.  There’s a lot involved since Meagan is still in school.  My sister accepted.

While we’re all off in different directions, we all get the space and time we need to consider what family is for each of us.  What is meaningful in our lives?  I know personally that the dance that goes on in our house is draining and not by any means fun.

There is no yelling and screaming going on and yet there is certainly frustration and annoyance.  There needs to be a new shift for all of us to consider what else is possible for each of us alone and together as a family.  I believe that there is a benefit in being able to create space for my daughter, my husband and for myself.  If we don’t step out of ‘it,’ whatever ‘it’ is – then how can we possibly consider what else is possible?

Parenting isn’t always fun.  In fact there have been times when I asked myself, “Why have I created this insanity for myself?”  Sometimes life gets messy and it isn’t any fun.  I believe that by each of us having space to ponder the things which are meaningful to us, we may discover that there’s lots more for us to explore together and maybe sometimes alone.

Creating space to consider parenting differently.

Amy

The journey begins 

Even when you’re here, you’re not

A little over a month ago, my daughter said the above words to me.  At first I was surprised and couldn’t possibly imagine what she meant by them.  “I’m always here for you, you know that.”  Hmmm!  Yes I was always ‘there’ physically for her but I wasn’t always ‘available.’

I started to reflect over the last few months.  What I realized was that I engaged with others all day as they chose to move through their lives differently and would connect with them in the evening when I got home.  I know that making changes in our lives isn’t always easy and I made myself available so that they would never have to be alone.  Quite gracious of me, however I’m not sure if it was a good thing or a bad thing.  One thing for sure, the awareness was there and presented itself quite clearly.  Now it was up to me to decided what I was going to do with it.

I started by sending out an email to the women in my life that I usually connected with.  I suggested that instead of them calling me at home, that they call and leave a message at my office or send me an email.

Before I knew it, I had created more space in my life not only for my family but for me as well.  I had started to get exhausted by never stopping long enough to catch my breath.  (What a metaphor.  I was getting to a point where eventually I wouldn’t be able to breath).

So Meagan was clear that I wasn’t always ‘there’ and now that was changing.

I’ve started to create more and more space for myself and for my family.  I love what I do and I love being there for others but…not at the sake of my own health or family.  I was physically becoming exhausted and couldn’t possibly imagine why, until Meagan shared her thoughts with me.

How easy is it for us to become so absorbed in the things that we love so much?  So easy, that I didn’t even see it for myself until my daughter pointed it out.

Our children are so wise and yet we sometimes dismiss what they have to say because, “How could they possibly know what it’s like to be an adult?”  Truth be told, they don’t know what it’s like to be an adult.   They do however know what it’s like to be a child of an adult that is so submersed in what they do that they don’t stop long enough to notice they’re not present to their children when they’re at home.

Hmmmm, parenting I tell you isn’t always easy.  What I do know, is that we need to listen to our children and really consider what they have to share with us.

Most certainly, children don’t know what it’s like to be an adult nor do we know what it’s like for them to be our children.

Thanks to Meagan, I listen differently and now make more time for myself and for her.  Everything has changed in my life because I stopped to consider what her words really meant for me.

Have a wonderful parenting day…whether you’re a parent or not…there’s lots to learn if we stop long enough to consider…

What else?

And the possibilities are endless.

Amy

Knowing that I’m not always the one

I believe that the biggest thing for me that I’ve come across lately, is knowing that I can’t always be who my daughter needs to talk with, in her life.  It’s kind of a hard one to swallow.  We always want to be the most important person in our child’s lives.  We want to be always there for them, provide for them and wipe their tears when they have them.  Kiss it and make it all better and reassure them that it’s going to be all o.k.  But what if we’re moving through stuff and don’t even know that we’re in the middle of something ourselves?

With everything that has unfolded during the past month or so, I realized that I couldn’t be there for my daughter to help her move through what she was moving through, because I was gong through my own experience of it.  I was heart broken when I realized that I couldn’t be the one for her, at least not at that point.

So I picked her up at school one day and offered her the option of being able to speak with someone other than myself.  At first I could see that she was reluctant.  By her choice of words, I knew she was not wanting me to feel bad about her ‘choosing’ to speak with someone else.  I reassured her that I wouldn’t make the suggestion unless I felt that there would be a benefit for her and myself for that matter.  She hesitated and then said, “There’s nothing wrong with me.  I don’t need to see a psychiatrist.  I smiled as I never suggested anything of the sort or have even spoken about psychiatrists and yet, somehow she has an understanding that seeing one of them must mean that something is wrong with you.

It was a big step for me to recognize and not take offense that I couldn’t be who or what she needed in that moment.  So I decided to chat with a friend of mine who does coaching so that I could make sure that I had moved through everything.  I gave Meagan a few names of other women who do coaching as well.  She was quite comfortable with the people that I suggested because she knows them all.  So she got to pick someone that she is comfortable with and I opted to see someone that I too am comfortable with.

I’m glad that I didn’t let old stories of being ‘too proud’ get in my way so that Meagan can get exactly what she needs.

So if you end up going through a challenging experience (and it could be anything from school stuff, work, someone passing over or whatever) and if you recognize that you can’t see you’re way around it, stop – take a breath and consider having a chat with a CODE Model Coach (TM).  I suggest CODE (Creation out of deep energy) Model Coaches because they have a different perspective and view of the world.  It’s expansive and you know that you stand in a very different place at the end of a conversation.

Create a safe space for your child by creating a safe space for yourSelf by recognizing that sometimes even we as parents need to stop and consider, “Who Else” may we need to be there for us and lend a helpful caring hand or ear?  Show your children that they aren’t alone and neither are you.

If we taught our children to truly ask for what they need, maybe their wouldn’t be so much chaos in children’s lives today.

And in a breath, I know that sometimes I need someone else just to stay present with me so that I can acknowledge whatever pain or sadness that  is moving through me.  Sometimes I have to let go and create space for my child that she knows that I’m not perfect and that I too sometimes need someone.

Knowing that I’m not always the one that can be there for her, creates an opportunity for her to grow and expand outside the confines of her mother.  Yes, even the label of mother does seem to have ‘confines’ around it.  And in another breath, life opens and expands and the old word and description of what ‘mother’ represents, is gone.  A new meaning is created that is safe and loving and with plenty of room to grow for both  mother and child.

Being a mother isn’t always easy and it’s always interesting. 

Hugs to all,

Amy