sharing with our children how to…Choose Mindfully

If there’s one thing I remember about school and still know as an adult, it’s that children can be cruel.  And why wouldn’t they be?  We’ve taught them well.  Yes I know.  How can I say something like that?  Please, don’t through popcorn at the screen.

I parent from a different paradigm which enables me to choose a life worth living as opposed to living a life in automatic.  How do we share with our children that even at a young age, they too can choose to engage differently than others around them?

As I shared with my daughter tonight in a conversation, look past what is right in front of you and consider looking beyond.  Now to be honest I work with adults and it’s sometimes a challenge for them to get an understanding of what I’m saying.  So why would I share this information with a ‘child?’  Maybe because even though our children are smaller than we are, they are no less intelligent.  Maybe they don’t have the experiences that we have (and thank goodness for that) and along with that knowing that they don’t have all those years of being taught what we were, maybe they’ll  get an understanding of it sooner than what we will.

What I shared with Meagan is this.  You have no idea what is going on in another persons life.  Consider that some children go home and get beat up by their parents.  Some go home and watch their parents yell and scream at each other non-stop and don’t even acknowledge the child’s presence.  And some go home and stay in their bedrooms because there’s no one that understands what they going through.  The list can go on and on and when I’m having a conversation, I offer her many different scenarios if that’s what it takes.  She only has one life to live so why not take the time now when she’s young to consider ‘looking’ beyond?

Adults are no different than children and quite often it’s our children that act like the adult.  Someone has to be the adult and if it’s not the adult, then a child will create the very thing that they need in their lives.  Sure it’s amazing that they can do that however when do ‘they’ get to be kids?

My daughter is a smart young woman at the age of 13.  And no matter that she is the same height as me, may not appear to be only 13, I need to be mindful that she is young at the same time.  I choose to share the truth of ‘my’ experience with her and what I know is possible and I choose to do it…Now.

I don’t sugar coat things and sometimes I can only imagine that having me for a mother is no fun.  Imagine coming home from school and others have called you names and I respond not by judging them.  Wouldn’t it be nice for her to hear me say, “Little B______, obviously it shows how they’ve been brought up.”  (that would be mindless not to mention ineffective).  Sure maybe it would temporarily make her feel better and I’m very mindful that I’d be setting the stage for her to become judgmental.

I want my daughter to grow up knowing that others only know what they know and she very well may know something different.  I’m not saying she’s smarter than them rather she knows a different way of ‘Being.’

When she opens her mouth sometimes, I pause and look over at her and she says, “ya ya…I know.  Whatever I put out is gonna come back at me and it doesn’t necesarily mean that it will be from the person that I’ve directed it at.” She also ‘knows’ (not a full understanding yet), that everything that comes out of her mouth is about her.  I believe that there’s a good chance that she may ‘get that’ before my husband does. 

Sitting here I pause and consider for myself, “How is it that I am no longer able to judge a person?”  Even when things are directed at my daughter, I simply can’t… no I mindfully choose not to put another person down for the sake of it.  It’s interesting because I used to have a belief that supporting my child would be standing up for her and spewing on anyone who ever said anything mean to her or harmed her.  What’s also interesting is that fact that she is very open with me and even amongst the rolling of the eyes, I know she’s listening and attempting to understand.

I love  my daughter and I love who she is in the world and it’s not always easy for her or me.  And what I also know, is at the end of the day we RIG each other.  As a metaphor, ‘we harmonize beautifully together when we sing.’  Hmm, maybe it’s not about the singing as it is about life in general.  There are times when our lives…hers, mine and my husband’s, get a little off tune however we know the words to the song and end up singing and harmonizing again.

So at the end of this I share with you something that we’ve all heard many times over and I ponder whether or not we only know this statement in the intellect instead of ‘a truth in the body?’

Children Are What They Learn.

With much RIG,

Amy

Out of the Goodness of my heart

As I listen to my husband tonight, I could almost puke.  Yes…PUKE!

“You have no idea how much I do for you.  You haven’t a clue how much I had to do to get what you wanted.  You don’t appreciate anything that I do for you.”

Yes.  Our children have no idea what we do for them until we start preaching it at the top of our lungs.  I shake my head.  We play devils advocate constantly and we play it with ourselves.  We nail our foot to the floor, go around in circles and then…we get pissed off at anyone who is in front of us when we realize we’re right back were we started off.  Yet we find it so confusing because we felt like we were moving quite quickly.  (Ouch!  That part is soooo about me.  I was sure that there had been a shift in this family system and yet…has there been)?

To be honest, I know that there has been a shift or I wouldn’t be sharing this with you.

So let’s be honest here.  We know there’s a difference between cats and dogs.  Guess what?  There’s a difference between Mother’s and Fathers’.  Men and women.   Let me share my perspective and then by all means, lets party and share the truth of our experiences.  Because frankly, I’m done speaking of what a wonderful man and father my husband is.  Wow!!!!  Did I just say that?  Well holy shit I did.

So let me share ‘my story.’ 

My daughter wants to go skating with her class tomorrow.  We recieved the paper from the school less than a week ago.  So between the daily things that we do, we work on finding her a pair of skates.  For me it’s simple.  I send out a few emails, make some calls, check out a variety of other resources and really, it’s no bid deal.

My husband sends out an email….then oh my god sends out a second one (notice the excitement and tension building up)  and then someone says “hey, I got a pair of skates.  I’ll run by my wife’s place and pick them up on my way to work.”  O.K.  the tone has now been set.  If you’re a man (and I’m making it all up and having a great time by the way), the bottom line is, someone has gone out of there way for you (because people aren’t apparently nice and just want to help you out), so whether or not the skates fit…YOU WILL WEAR THEM.  (I hear the words come out of my husbands mouth and I can hear and feel his voice echoing in my body and I ask myself, “Am I watching a very bad movie or is this for real?

So of course my daughter goes up the stair in tears.(oops…’our’ daughter).    He clearly doesn’t understand why everyone is confused and annoyed with him.    Hmmm!!!  Get ready……”Well when I was young (puke!) we couldn’t afford to buy proper fitting skates so I had to wear skates that were 3 sizes to big or I wouldn’t have been able to go. (tissue please! and….puke!)

Remember those stories?  When I was young I had to walk all the way to school both ways in the freezing cold and I didn’t have mittens and I was bare foot and, and, and.  And for Christ Sakes lets get over the drama.

So here I am not agitated at all….well….at least not right now.    You see, amongst the emails and phone calls that I made, I came across a place that sells good quality used skates at a pretty good price.  Really, it is that simple.  However, I didn’t come out and make it sound like I climbed Mount Everest and feel that I should be recognized in the Hall of Fame.

What I find is quite often women do things just because it makes them feel good on the inside.  We don’t expect loads of gratitude and people saying thank-you, thank-you, thank-you.  Now I’m not saying that everyone is the same and I’m not saying that men are ‘bad’ people.  I’m just saying that there ‘different.’

Is your husband like mine?  If he does the dishes or vacuums he seems to feel like he should receive the Nobel Peace Prize?  “Look!  I did the dishes.”  Great!…Good for you.  “Well fine then, I won’t do them anymore if you’re going to be like ‘that.‘

You know, it isn’t always easy being a parent…especially if you haven’t grown up yet.  Then it’s a real bitch to ‘deal’ with your children.    So I asked my husband tonight, “Who is the adult here?”  OH ya…it’s all my fault and she doesn’t have to take responsibility for her attitude.  She can say and do whatever she wants and I’m the bad guy.  Hmmm!!!!  No not really the ‘bad’ guy rather the guy who doesn’t get that what comes out of his mouth is about him.  (And by the way….may I point out that I’m just the messanger and sharing here). 

Out of the goodness of our hearts we do so much for our children and others.  I have belief that if we’re doing things because we genuinely want to, then we’re not going out of our ways and don’t need to hear about how great we are.  And ya know, we’re all right.  Our children don’t have an understanding of what it was like for us growing up and frankly, I’m beyond glad that Meagan doesn’t have to experience what I did.  (Shit….we’re offering her a multitude of other experiences).  

So the truth of my experience is, “I choose not to do anything out of the goodness of my heart (for one thing that’s where cultural conditioning lies).  I choose to do something only if and when it will bring me great joy.  (Kinda like this blog poking at men …my husband a bit.)  All joking aside, I’m really clear that I choose to parent from a different paradigm than my husband.  It’s not that he doesn’t know that it exists, rather he may not be ready to embrace it fully and that’s o.k.

Our children are the observers learning from us what feels right for them and what doesn’t.  They get to model what they’re witnessing or model, ‘not that.’  As adults (assuming that we’re ‘grown up’ parents), we need to model what and how we’d like our children to experience for themselves.  (hmm, it doesn’t sound quite right but hopefully it makes sense…it does to me).

Who said parenting was going to be any fun?  Well when I was growing up it wasn’t fun being the child, that I can vouch for.  However, I want something different for my/our daughter and that means I need to fully engage my life and do only what is meaningful and sometimes it’s great fun and other times…Hmmmm….not so much.

Well, I need to get ready and go out to pick up some skates.  Meagan’s going skating tomorrow.  How exciting. 

Happy Parenting!

Amy

As our children awaken to their own truth…

These days the conversations that my daughter is choosing to engage in with me are amazing.

She was out with someone the other day and today she states, “_______is very prejudice.”  So I get curious and ask, “What makes you say that?”  She shares what she heard and how she knew that what the other person was saying held absolutely no resonance for her.  It caused her some agitation in fact.

She wasn’t sure how to engage so (from my perspective) she tried to justify why that other person was wrong in what they were saying and feeling.  So I smiled and shared what I know and hold as truth for myself.

Our greatest gifts are the individuals who somehow cause agitation in our body.  The agitation isn’t theirs, it’s ours and why we feel it may be because what they are saying isn’t our truth.  As Meagan continued to share her truth, the other person continues on making statements as to why they feel this way.  So in essence, there’s a lot of meaningless conversation going on.  I also shared with Meagan that because the other person shared their truth, (which Meagan perceives as being prejudice), she gets to discover that someone else’  truth is not in alignment with hers.

What I also shared with her is that when someone speaks their truth and it isn’t ours, there is no reason to engage in what isn’t meaningful.  So she looked at me and said, “Oh…so if I hadn’t of kept on telling them why I didn’t agree with them, they probably would have stopped?”  Right!

Just because we don’t share someone’s opinion, it doesn’t mean that we need to stop and ‘make a point’ saying that we’re right and the other person is wrong.  People are who they are.  We all grow up with with cultural conditioning and in a society that says there’s a right and wrong.

My way of moving through life is quite different.  I believe that in every breath, yours and mine, lies an opportunity for us to discover more about ourselves.  What’s meaningful and what isn’t.

So Meagan now knows without a doubt, that being prejudice holds absolutely no meaning for her.  So instead of her judging the other person and thinking that they were wrong in what they were saying, She now knows that it’s not about someone being wrong rather it’s about her honoring the knowing in her body and not feeling the need to justify why she sees things differently.

Our opinions, beliefs are based on our own internal landscape.  Our landscape can be the family we grew up in, school and a variety of places that would have taught us what’s right and wrong, what’s good and bad, and yes…even to be prejudice. We need to pay attention when every scensory cue in our body is telling us what we’re hearing isn’t true.

Dispite our up-bringing, we are not what we’ve been taught we are and we don’t have to let what we’ve been taught, to be absolute truth for us.

I didn’t tell Meagan that she was right and the other person was wrong, rather I shared with her that she gets to choose what feels right for her and she doesn’t have to agree with anyone whether it be me, her father, her aunts and uncles or anyone else for that matter.  For myself, I want to share with Meagan to honor her truth and not mindlessly choose what doesn’t feel right for her.  In my view of the world, Majority doesn’t rule.

There is no one outside of my body that can know the truth of my experience because they do not live in my body.  I believe to make a difference in my world and in my daughter’s world, I must be the change that I want to create in the world and I must model it in every breath.

I AM an Awakened Presence, not only in my life but in the life of others as well.

Who I AM, is my greatest ‘present’ to you.

Mahalo,

Amy

Choosing not to ‘rescue’ my daughter

I have a very different view of the world.  My view has changed significantly over the past few years and yet there’s a lot of it that hasn’t changed at all, rather it has expanded.

My daughter knows and has an understanding that I don’t believe in health issues like most people do.  I don’t believe that the ‘common cold’ is so common.  I believe anything happening in our body is a message rather than an ailment.  Maybe  it’s telling us to slow down or maybe there’s something that we need to voice that isn’t being said.

When the fear of H1N1 started to be ‘sold‘ as the next big ticket item, (I know, I know.  It’s real for many and I’m sharing my thoughts…mine only), I told my daughter that if she needed a day away from school or didn’t finish a project or whatever be the case that would have to do with her wanting to miss school, not to create some ‘big’ flu or illness.  I suggested that she just be honest with me and say exactly why she didn’t want to go.  I also shared that I wouldn’t get mad.  She’s thirteen and is definitely able to make choices for herself.  I’d prefer that she chooses to be honest and I’m sure she’d prefer that I don’t ‘lose it’ when she is honest.  Sometimes her being honest can make my hair turn gray or make my right eyebrow lift unexpectedly.    However, I choose honesty and the best way to teach or share with her what that means, is modeling what honesty is.

Over the past few months Meagan has opted to stay home from school a few times.  I haven’t made a big ordeal over it and we have a conversation about why she’s opting out of school.  One time she was honest and did share that indeed some work was due and it wasn’t completed so rather than go to school and be reprimanded, she chose door #2.  The interesting thing was, she stayed home and completed it and also completed two other projects that weren’t due for another week or so.  She accomplished more work in that one day than she would have is she had of gone to school.  Now I’m not saying we should keep our children home from school all of the time or get carried away with the idea, rather create space for them to choose honesty over lying and see how things unfold.  You may be surprised.

So today I’m on my way out the door and the phone rings.  Meagan is calling from school to say that she’s not feeling well.  Obviously she can’t call from the school office and say, “I really don’t want to be here today.  It sucks.  Can you pick me up?”  In my body I know that she’s fine.  My response years ago would have been to cancel my meeting and go and pick her up right away because she said she was sick.  This time I shared with her quite honestly that I was on my way out to my meeting which she had forgotten about and that I wouldn’t be able to pick her up.

On the way home from my meeting I decided to swing by the school and pick her up.  It was funny because I knew that she wasn’t sick so why was I going?  Hmm, I didn’t have the answer for that so I kept driving.  So I arrive at the school and again, I have this knowing in my body that she’s fine, she just doesn’t want to be at school today.  I find myself walking into the school and am somewhat surprised that I’m there.

A woman looks up from behind the desk.  “I received a call from my daughter earlier saying that she wasn’t feeling well?”  The woman asks, “Would you like me to call her in the class and ask her to come down?”  Hmmm, again there was no big…YES!  Rather I stood there for a moment and said, “Hmmm, just give me a minute to consider this.”  She finishes with another person and then repeats the questions.  Again I pause.  Then she says, “Wait a minute.  Let me check with the other woman who works here.”  She checks and come back to say that Meagan never came back down and they simply suggested that she take a few minutes to have a bit of a snack and then see how she’s feeling.”  Then never saw her again.

And that was enough for me to tell me that Meagan was fine.  I thanked them, turned around and left.

When Meagan came home I shared with her again that I had my meeting and she did know about it.  Funny….her response was, “Oh I know.”  Huh?    I looked at her and all I said was, “Oh!”  So the conversation continued and I shared what my experience was in the moment.  “You seem to be much better now than what you sounded on the phone.”  She replied, “Ya.  They suggested I have a snack and relax a bit before going to my next class, so I did and I was fine after that.”

(Sigh).  If I had of decided to ‘rescue’ her from school (or herself), she would have never been able to consider something different that someone else presented her with and she wouldn’t have been able to discover what she did.  And by me allowing myself to follow my gut instinct clearly not knowing where it was leading me, I wouldn’t know what I know as well.

How many times do we ‘know’ we’re doing what’s  right for our children and yet maybe it’s still not what they need?  When I allowed myself not to change what was meaningful to me (my meeting) and run of to rescue Meagan, we both created the opportunity for ourselves to consider something different.  Isn’t life grad?

Our children learn from us.  What are we teaching them when we go to rescue them or take them from where they are and possibly don’t want to be…in that breath? Possibly in the next breath after hanging up the phone something shifts and she doesn’t feel the same way?  Let me be clear here as well.  I Knew Meagan was safe and not being harmed.  Her voice and paying attention to the cadence of her speech told me that.  If I sensed that there was something else, I would have canceled the meeting and I would have been over there right away.

So now Meagan and I both stand in a different place.  She knows how quickly things can shift for her.  She may not have had the opportunity to know that as truth before if I had of ran in to pick her up.

Who knows what else we both get to discover next?

Amy

Back to school – Health Issues

As the time draws near for my daughter to head back to school, she seems to be developing a ‘cold.’  Since I don’t see anything from common colds to any other health concern as a ‘dis-ease or illness,’ I allow myself to stop and consider what it could be.

With the studying I’ve done with the WEL-Systems Institute                                  (http://www.wel-systems.com/),  I now have a different understanding of the body and the intelligence that it offers us.  If you want to consider things from a different perspective and open and expand your life, I suggest you consider logging into the site.

Instead of giving my daughter cold medication or something to ‘clear out’ the sinuses, we had a conversation around the ‘impending doom’ of returning to school.  It turns out that she’s really not looking forward to it.  And really…who could blame her? 

I’m serious.  We as adults sometime don’t remember all of the rules and strict guidelines to stay ‘within’ the box that you find in a school system.  The way that I parent is, Honest – Open – Clear and Direct.  This means that she gets to ‘be’ the exact same way.  Imagine a summer of being able to be honest and speak your truth, to returning to school where already there is a ’status quo’ in place and speaking your truth is not welcomed?  Last year I got to experience how ‘closed’ a system the school is.  Although they say they’re more open than ever before…I cringe to consider what they used to be like.

We need to create something different for our children when it comes to comments or questions about school.  If you ask them how school is for them and they say, “It sucks.”  Consider that for them…that is their reality and not yours.  Did you always like school when you were going?  Personally I had days that I was happy to be there and I also had days when I wanted to run for the hills and swear at all the teachers.  Hey!!!!  Doesn’t that sound like work for us?  

We want our children to be open with us however when they speak ‘their’ truth, we respond with a “Don’t say that.  You really don’t mean that and it could always be worse.” Ouch!  If you’re the student going to school and it felt like the worse day of your life to date, do you really want to be hearing that what you’re saying isn’t real and that it could get worse?  No.  I didn’t think so.

I do believe that as parents we mean well however if we think back to when we were younger and we got honest with our children and shared with them what it was really like, they may be more open to ‘opening’ up to us.

Something that I feel is very important is parent-teacher meetings.  I really encourage you to take your children with you and take them in the class when you speak to the teacher.  I don’t care how old your children are, they have a right to know what is being said when it’s concerning them.  Something else that’s important about both of you being in the class room with the teacher is that there’s no room for ‘he said – she said.’

Have you ever had any of these conversations with your child?  “Your teacher said…___________________is that really true?” The response comes back and your child says, “No.”  Then who do you believe?  You would hope to believe your child however, why would a teacher lie?  Oh yes, and believe me they are human and they too can lie.

This year consider creating space differently for your children to ’speak their’ truth even though you may not like to hear what they have to say.  They don’t always like what we have to say either.    If we ‘allow’ them to say whatever it is that they have to say without placing a judgment on their choice of words or anything that comes out of their mouths, they just may start sharing a lot more with us.

Oh yes, school is almost back. 

Let the good times roll!!!!!

Remember to take a deep breath and exhale, it can’t get any worse, right?

Or can it?  

Happy school year to all you parents out there.

Amy

A family journey of self discovery

Today I’m in a state of ‘nesting.’  This is typical of women about to give birth as they ready their homes for something and someone new.  That is exactly what I’m doing today.  Cleaning the house, doing laundry and preparing for something new.

Tonight my husband leaves for a personal/business trip to Kentucky.  Tomorrow I leave for Ottawa and tomorrow evening my daughter has chosen to spend close to two weeks with my sister.  All of us heading off in different directions on a journey of self discovery.  What we all discover about ourselves in the process, who knows?  I trust that however life unfolds it will bring enlightenment and magnificence with it.

Last weekend my daughter and I went away and stayed in cottage.  Friday night was quite relaxing.  On Saturday I created the space for my daughter to have a coaching session with a friend of mine.  Half way through the session, my daughter requested that I join them.  What came out of her mouth kind of shocked me and yet it didn’t.  Honest, Open, Clear and Direct and…ouch!

She has been going head to head with her father for quite some time now and feels that there is no meaning to have him in her life.  What does that mean exactly, I’m not sure.  So what she asked me to do in so many words was to choose either my husband or her to have in ‘my’ life.  The choice was clearly mine.

I pondered the question for a moment, not because I didn’t know the answer rather I needed the time to check in with my body to see if any sensory cues were going off.  I took a deep breath before I answered.  “I don’t feel the need to choose either of you.  I choose both of you.  I love my husband very much and I’m not going to divorce him because you go head to head.”  She paused for a moment and we chatted and then she discovered her own need to be alone with my decision.

I do understand where she is coming from.  I also know that in that moment when she asked me the question (or stated what she’d like), in a breath my life changed.  I don’t think I fully realized just how much I love my husband.  I love them both and why should I choose one over the other?

Sunday when we came back from our weekend away, I walked around the back of our property and pondered who I am in the world and what is it exactly that I hold as meaningful to me.  I have been pondering the thought for a couple of days and yesterday there was a huge shift and today everything is different.

Yesterday morning I walked around the house crying off and on.  My body was in chaos and confusion.  I didn’t know how I was going to approach what had taken place on the weekend and I certainly had no idea of what my life was going to look like or how things were going to unfold.

My daughter ended up staying home from school yesterday.  At first I was annoyed and frustrated and then I got to a point where I really didn’t care whether or not ’she felt’ the need to stay home.   I was very clear about what I needed though.  I needed to create space for myself to consider the past few days.  So off I went to my office and found the space that I so needed.  Today I understand that she too needed a quiet day to consider things for herself.  I was also clear that while I was at the office that I would not be available.  She understood.  On any other day that she would be home and I’d be at the office, she would have called me at least a dozen times by noon – yesterday, that didn’t happened.

I considered what I could do for her to have the space that she needed to consider what her life is like within our family and what (if anything) does her father mean to her in her life?

At the age of twelve, there’s a lot going on in her life.  Sometimes I think that as adults we forget how ‘trying’ high school can be especially grade seven when so many changes are going on.  I’ve since spoken with my sister who lives close by and asked if she would consider having Meagan stay with her for close to a couple of weeks.  There’s a lot involved since Meagan is still in school.  My sister accepted.

While we’re all off in different directions, we all get the space and time we need to consider what family is for each of us.  What is meaningful in our lives?  I know personally that the dance that goes on in our house is draining and not by any means fun.

There is no yelling and screaming going on and yet there is certainly frustration and annoyance.  There needs to be a new shift for all of us to consider what else is possible for each of us alone and together as a family.  I believe that there is a benefit in being able to create space for my daughter, my husband and for myself.  If we don’t step out of ‘it,’ whatever ‘it’ is – then how can we possibly consider what else is possible?

Parenting isn’t always fun.  In fact there have been times when I asked myself, “Why have I created this insanity for myself?”  Sometimes life gets messy and it isn’t any fun.  I believe that by each of us having space to ponder the things which are meaningful to us, we may discover that there’s lots more for us to explore together and maybe sometimes alone.

Creating space to consider parenting differently.

Amy

The journey begins 

Even when you’re here, you’re not

A little over a month ago, my daughter said the above words to me.  At first I was surprised and couldn’t possibly imagine what she meant by them.  “I’m always here for you, you know that.”  Hmmm!  Yes I was always ‘there’ physically for her but I wasn’t always ‘available.’

I started to reflect over the last few months.  What I realized was that I engaged with others all day as they chose to move through their lives differently and would connect with them in the evening when I got home.  I know that making changes in our lives isn’t always easy and I made myself available so that they would never have to be alone.  Quite gracious of me, however I’m not sure if it was a good thing or a bad thing.  One thing for sure, the awareness was there and presented itself quite clearly.  Now it was up to me to decided what I was going to do with it.

I started by sending out an email to the women in my life that I usually connected with.  I suggested that instead of them calling me at home, that they call and leave a message at my office or send me an email.

Before I knew it, I had created more space in my life not only for my family but for me as well.  I had started to get exhausted by never stopping long enough to catch my breath.  (What a metaphor.  I was getting to a point where eventually I wouldn’t be able to breath).

So Meagan was clear that I wasn’t always ‘there’ and now that was changing.

I’ve started to create more and more space for myself and for my family.  I love what I do and I love being there for others but…not at the sake of my own health or family.  I was physically becoming exhausted and couldn’t possibly imagine why, until Meagan shared her thoughts with me.

How easy is it for us to become so absorbed in the things that we love so much?  So easy, that I didn’t even see it for myself until my daughter pointed it out.

Our children are so wise and yet we sometimes dismiss what they have to say because, “How could they possibly know what it’s like to be an adult?”  Truth be told, they don’t know what it’s like to be an adult.   They do however know what it’s like to be a child of an adult that is so submersed in what they do that they don’t stop long enough to notice they’re not present to their children when they’re at home.

Hmmmm, parenting I tell you isn’t always easy.  What I do know, is that we need to listen to our children and really consider what they have to share with us.

Most certainly, children don’t know what it’s like to be an adult nor do we know what it’s like for them to be our children.

Thanks to Meagan, I listen differently and now make more time for myself and for her.  Everything has changed in my life because I stopped to consider what her words really meant for me.

Have a wonderful parenting day…whether you’re a parent or not…there’s lots to learn if we stop long enough to consider…

What else?

And the possibilities are endless.

Amy

Knowing that I’m not always the one

I believe that the biggest thing for me that I’ve come across lately, is knowing that I can’t always be who my daughter needs to talk with, in her life.  It’s kind of a hard one to swallow.  We always want to be the most important person in our child’s lives.  We want to be always there for them, provide for them and wipe their tears when they have them.  Kiss it and make it all better and reassure them that it’s going to be all o.k.  But what if we’re moving through stuff and don’t even know that we’re in the middle of something ourselves?

With everything that has unfolded during the past month or so, I realized that I couldn’t be there for my daughter to help her move through what she was moving through, because I was gong through my own experience of it.  I was heart broken when I realized that I couldn’t be the one for her, at least not at that point.

So I picked her up at school one day and offered her the option of being able to speak with someone other than myself.  At first I could see that she was reluctant.  By her choice of words, I knew she was not wanting me to feel bad about her ‘choosing’ to speak with someone else.  I reassured her that I wouldn’t make the suggestion unless I felt that there would be a benefit for her and myself for that matter.  She hesitated and then said, “There’s nothing wrong with me.  I don’t need to see a psychiatrist.  I smiled as I never suggested anything of the sort or have even spoken about psychiatrists and yet, somehow she has an understanding that seeing one of them must mean that something is wrong with you.

It was a big step for me to recognize and not take offense that I couldn’t be who or what she needed in that moment.  So I decided to chat with a friend of mine who does coaching so that I could make sure that I had moved through everything.  I gave Meagan a few names of other women who do coaching as well.  She was quite comfortable with the people that I suggested because she knows them all.  So she got to pick someone that she is comfortable with and I opted to see someone that I too am comfortable with.

I’m glad that I didn’t let old stories of being ‘too proud’ get in my way so that Meagan can get exactly what she needs.

So if you end up going through a challenging experience (and it could be anything from school stuff, work, someone passing over or whatever) and if you recognize that you can’t see you’re way around it, stop – take a breath and consider having a chat with a CODE Model Coach (TM).  I suggest CODE (Creation out of deep energy) Model Coaches because they have a different perspective and view of the world.  It’s expansive and you know that you stand in a very different place at the end of a conversation.

Create a safe space for your child by creating a safe space for yourSelf by recognizing that sometimes even we as parents need to stop and consider, “Who Else” may we need to be there for us and lend a helpful caring hand or ear?  Show your children that they aren’t alone and neither are you.

If we taught our children to truly ask for what they need, maybe their wouldn’t be so much chaos in children’s lives today.

And in a breath, I know that sometimes I need someone else just to stay present with me so that I can acknowledge whatever pain or sadness that  is moving through me.  Sometimes I have to let go and create space for my child that she knows that I’m not perfect and that I too sometimes need someone.

Knowing that I’m not always the one that can be there for her, creates an opportunity for her to grow and expand outside the confines of her mother.  Yes, even the label of mother does seem to have ‘confines’ around it.  And in another breath, life opens and expands and the old word and description of what ‘mother’ represents, is gone.  A new meaning is created that is safe and loving and with plenty of room to grow for both  mother and child.

Being a mother isn’t always easy and it’s always interesting. 

Hugs to all,

Amy

Teaching responsibility…can be a challenge

I have years of experience doing everything for my daughter (and her remembering all of it very well)    I’m finding it a little bit of a challenge to ‘hang tough’ and let her learn on her own now.

I usually drive her around the corner to catch the bus.  It isn’t a far walk by any means however it usually works out well because I head to the office once she gets on the bus.  This morning I have different thoughts as to how I want to approach my day.  Well, it wasn’t fun when I shared with her that she’d have to walk.  “Fine” she says.  I’m not feeling particularly well but fine, I’ll walk.”  So with those words, I shared my own thoughts.  Consider why you may not be feeling well.  Do you know why?  Yes, she shares with me.  Hmmm, apparently I didn’t ‘make‘ her wear her sweater this weekend (even though I did suggest it several times).  She doesn’t feel well when she goes to bed late (again I share share with her that I suggested it to her many times).

At the age of twelve there is a difference than when children are younger.  Forcing her to ‘obey’ will definitely give me results. The question is, will it produce the outcome that I’m looking for?  I doubt it.  What will it teach her?  That parents call also ‘bully’ just like other children can?  Of course when parents bully it is acceptable because after-all, we’re the parents.

As she walks out the door she says, “I hope I didn’t miss my bus.”  Hmmm! 

I too hoped that she didn’t miss her bus.  I didn’t say a word except, “Love you.  Have a good day.”  And then, I stepped out onto the front porch and said a little prayer to myself.  “Please oh please – stay tough and don’t get in the car anticipating that she will miss the bus.”

In the distance I heard the bus gear down as it came close to its stop.  Ahhh, and here I am writing so you and I both know now…she is indeed on the bus. 

I cannot blame her for expecting me to continue always doing things for her.  I have taught her well.  As a mother, I have all the responsibilities and she just has to ‘be.’  Hmmm.  Now I have to teach her differently and consider things differently myself.  I can’t say that it’s always easy either.  Simple yes.  Easy?  No.

She’s an amazing young woman and I know that as much as she does understand where I’m coming from, it becomes a challenge for her as well.  Twelve years of ‘doing’ mother is very different than ‘being’ mother/Amy.  And for her, twelve years of never really having to take on responsibility and now having to, well that is different as well.

I have great conversations with her and tonight will be no different.  I don’t believe that ‘commanding’ her to do something will achieve anything.  Suggesting something is much more appealing than barking out a command.  I’ve seen the results of what ‘being told’ does for a person.    Not pretty. 

Remembering back and hearing someone say to me, “Just relax.”  Well the last thing that I would do was relax as I could feel my blood pressure go up.  A command creates defiance.  You know?  “You can’t tell me what to do or how to feel.”  The reality is…that’s true.  It is impossible to tell a person how to feel because we each have a ‘feeling’ (sensory cue) in our bodies which is unique to us.  Nor can you tell a person what to do.  Our suggestions are based on our own personal experiences.  What worked for us doesn’t necessarily mean that it will work for someone else.

Our children are no different.  What may have worked for us when we were younger may no work for them.  I hear my husband often say, “You have no idea what it ‘used’ to be like.”  He’s right about that.  She wasn’t there so how could she possibly know?    Things have changed and so have parents.  There’s more than likely not one of us that parents ‘exactly’ how we were parented.  There’s a good reason for that.  “We as children didn’t enjoy the experience.”  This is when we have to remember what it was like for us and maybe ask what is it like for our children?

Like anything else parenting is an experience and if you’re not having fun, maybe ask yourself why?  I know when I’m not having fun I know that I need to look inwards to discover that I’m the creator of what is in front of me.  Ouch!  Yes, sometimes it kinda has a bite to it and other times it really sinks its teeth in. 

Have a wonderful day with your creations! 

Amy

Children just don’t stop…do they?

A few minutes ago I heard my daughter calling me from upstairs.  I was in the middle of something so I chose not to go up right away and find out what was going on.  “Give your mother a break.  She’s in the middle of doing something.“  I took a deep breath and asked myself, “What do I want to do?”  I stood up and went to the bottom of the stairs and asked, “Is it something that is going to change my life?”  “No…but it’s really cool and it’s not going to last long.”  Hmmm, I became curious and decided just maybe I should invest a couple of minutes and walk up the stairs. 

When I got up stairs my husband said, “That kid – She just never stops.  She won’t give up until she gets what she wants.”  I smiled and responded, “How genius is that?  If adults were to do the same, can you imagine how quickly our lives and the world would change?”

Ah yes!    Children do what is unimaginable.   How magnificent is that?  I often hear, “The whole concept of No never enters their mind.”  Again, I smile. 

What if we as adults, chose that it’s always yes until it’s a definite no?  I did that a few months ago and it was wonderful.  I kept going and didn’t stop until I got the desired outcome.  My desired outcome.    Was I being child like?  Maybe.  And what I know now, is that is exactly…how I choose to live my life.

I never know how my day is going to unfold.  Of course I have an idea of what it may be like.  And…I really live by, “The plan is – There is no plan.”  For me that simply means that I can change my mind whenever I want to because I say so.  I hear other women laugh and say, “It’s a woman’s perogative.”  I smile back and say, “It has nothing to do with being a woman.  I simply do what is meaningful and if I choose to change my mind because something no longer hold meaning, I do.”

Children do the same thing.  What happens is when children change their mind, we again make up or label it,  as though there needs to be a reason why they changed their minds.  Not simply because something no longer had meaning for them.

If they’re teenagers, they could be referred to as ‘ficke.’  Or, what can you expect, “They’re teenagers.”  Wait until they get out into the real world.  “Poor kids…”  I feel for them as I write that.  “The REAL World.”  Where adults critisize, shut down others, point the finger, judge…Yes, the real world is so amazing isn’t it?

Time to take a deep breath and consider, what is the ‘real’ world like for us?  Are we in awe over our lives and what we’ve created for ourselves?  Are we proud of our creation and of the example we are ’setting’ for our children?  If not, maybe it’s time to make some changes.  Maybe it’s time to not worry about others opinions, of when you change your mind and choose what it right for you.  You’ll never make someone else happy.  So focus on your life and share with your children that changing your mind and them changing their minds, if perfectly o.k.  Never mind about the terminology of the past that is, “You promised.”  Well yes I did, and now I’ve changed my mind. 

I smile again as I write that.  Do you know that when my daughter was younger, around the time she started walking till about the time she turned nine – I would promise her things and I would not go back on my word.  Not even if keeping my word meant that it would cause me great physical pain or health issues?  “How crazy is that?”  What was I teaching her back then?

Now I approach things differently.  I may have an intention to do something with her and I’ll phrase it so that I feel comfortable and that she knows, I just may change my mind.  I’m not being a ‘bad’ parent because I change my mind, rather I’m creating space to always and only do what feels meaningful to me in the moment.  By me choosing to move through my world this way, she sees that she too can change her mind and only do what is meaningful to her.

Allow yourself to reflect on your childhood and see if you can remember a time when you only did what was right for you.  Were you encourage or reprimanded by the adults in your world?  And remember, that that was then and this is now.  You’re an adult now.  So choose what is meaningful and share with your children that they can do the same.  You may discover that they really don’t like piano or playing soccer most evenings and during the summer.  And then, you get to stand at a choice point and have an open and honest discussion with them.   Hmmm, sounds like I’ve just created space for another blog. 

Create Space for yourSelf…Because…If you don’t who will?  And always consider, “What are you teaching/sharing with your children.

Have a wonderful weekend,

Amy